Actually...It's more complicated than that. There are times when I'm kinda just like, Fuck It. Like I just don't want to fucking deal with amber and all the shit i'm put through emotionally. I don't wanna have to deal with the fact that it's so hard for me to deal with her bf being around. I don't wanna act like shit doesn't affect me so i can be a good friend...I don't wanna keep hoping, believing, that we're gunna end up together. In the end it just hurts...but then I give up on giving up, because no matter what happens, no matter how long we go without a text, a call, or hanging out I always find myself smiling when I know i'm going to see her, butterflies and all. I never want to let her go, and I know i still have some effect on her. No matter what I'm there for her. Even when I think I can't handle it anymore. Like, last night for example, I'd written sumthing in my status on FB that her bf had seen and he commented on it using her account (he said it was him) and well it hurt. Sometime after that Amber's ex was telling her current some bull and his dumbass believed the ex over her so she was hurting..that made me hurt more and pissed me off. So, even though she had said she wanted to be alone today and I had told myself i had to distance myself what did i do? I went to see her. Granted, a big part of me going was to see baby but I wanted to make sure she was good too. SO, see? No matter what, it seems I will never willingly leave her. She might leave me, but I'll always be here. And honestly, that kinda sucks. Yet, at the same time...i wouldn't have it any other way...

Amber's gone. Out of my life. Probably for good. Has been for about a month now. I Miss Her. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her. It's not as bad as I thought it would be if this were to ever happen but it's just so weird, not having her around. She's Amber. My first love, the one i never really had...and she was my best friend. I know it's for the best but that doesn't make it any better. With her gone I feel like a part of me is missing...it just doesn't feel right. Oh well...there's nothing I can do about it. I just pray to God that she can finally have the drama-free(ish) life she deserves and that the guy she's with continues to take care of her and Hayden. I'll always love her. I'd love to meet up with her again later on in life. But for now this is what we both need I guess....

*Walks into her little awesome space and sits in her awesomely comfy sofa*  So, I love Amber right (yea, well what else is new?) but it's getting worse. I hate it. But I love it. I miss her every second I'm not with her. But then i want a gf and i know it cant be her. But then i dont even have the confidence to go after anyone. I hate this. I hate being the "nice, sweet" one...i hate that i'm not more confident. Hate that i'm not "cool" or better looking....i mean GAH!!! I don't want to be alone during holidays, rainy days, and summer nights ya know? I wanna have someone to look after and who'll look after me. i miss that...so much...